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Ian Holloway: Someone Knight This Man

Verbal genius from the legend himself...

Posted Sep 01, 2010 by Lip Service

Seriously, someone give this man a knighthood

Anyone familiar with my writing will know just how much I love Ian Holloway.  It’s an absolute delight to have a side managed by him back in the top division, and ever night I say a little prayer that Blackpool will stay up.  The reason?  Holloway’s amazing ability to release moments of absolute genius into the quote world.  Here are some of the best...

‘I’ve got to knock that horrible smell out of my boys, because they smell of complacency’

‘We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we’d have dealt with County’s first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands’

‘It was a bit cheeky wasn’t it? But I don’t think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he’d turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything’ – On Joey Barton mooning the crowd after a goal.

‘I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose that’s one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.’ – On the ban on players taking their shirts off.
‘I love Blackpool. We’re very similar. We both look better in the dark’

‘I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I’d come out sucking my thumb’

‘He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his c**k’s massive.’ – On Cristiano Ronaldo

‘To put it in gentleman’s terms if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn’t the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let’s have a coffee.’ – His immortal description of his side’s poor display against Chesterfield.

‘You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go’

‘It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.’ – On fan’s displeasure at filling the midfield with more defensive players.

‘Hasney’s bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now.’ – When being asked about Hasney Aljofree’s injury.

‘Sir David Beckham ? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We’d never hear the end of it!’ – On the potential idea of David Beckham being knighted.

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